


Wrong Turns

by LadyOxymoron



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOxymoron/pseuds/LadyOxymoron
Summary: Alec's thoughts as he walks away from Magnus.





	Wrong Turns

**Author's Note:**

> I've been avoiding angst like the plague but this wouldn't leave me alone.  
> After days of valiantly fighting against it, I lost the battle and here we are.

“Stay with me, okay?” Magnus says, _pleads_ , and there's so much pain in his voice that the knife that’s been lodged into Alec’s heart twists deeper. "Come on, stay with me."

“Magnus,” he whispers, afraid that speaking louder will give his pain away. He gives in to selfishness and stays where he is a little longer, wanting to commit the feel of Magnus’ hand over his cheek to memory. “I can’t,” he says at last, pulling back. “I’m sorry.”

He keeps his eyes closed because there’s no way he’s going to look at Magnus without breaking down. He’s made his choice and it burns like a brand on his heart and soul but he’s willing to bear the pain if that’s what it takes to make Magnus whole again.

The irony that in order to do so, he needs to break him further is not lost on him.

There are words lingering on his tongue,  words that form dangerous sentences like _I love you_ and _I’m sorry_ and _I’m not going anywhere_. And Alec has to turn away and clench his jaw to prevent them from rushing out of his mouth. He’s spoken enough for tonight. He has already said too much. He's already felt poison spreading from his tongue to his system with every word he’s uttered.

Alec can feel that poison still running through his veins, corroding everything in its path, and he knows it’s not going to stop spreading until it’ll consume him from the inside.

He hears Magnus’ breathing past the ringing in his own ears. It’s harsh, ragged, like Magnus is seconds away from crying and _goddammit_ , Alec can’t bear the thought of it. He can’t bear knowing he’s done that.

He’d give everything to stay and gather Magnus in his arms and tell him how sorry he is and that everything is going to be okay. To come clean and explain the wretched deal he’s made with Asmodeus.

_Magnus can never know or the deal is off._

Asmodeus’ words ring clear in his head and it takes everything he’s got to walk away and get out of the shop, leaving Magnus behind. It feels like he’s taking a wrong turn. One that’ll only lead to betrayal and heartache.

 _You’re doing this for him,_ he tells to himself to keep going.

He walks and walks, letting his feet carry him away, until he’s sure he’s put enough distance between himself and the shop.

People in costume are still wandering the streets and Alec feels very self-conscious. He feels like they’re going to notice the way the poison is burning his veins and leaking over, eating his flesh away, like acid. It hurts so so damn much and it’s adding to the pain he can feel starting to take a hold of his chest. It's a weight that’s settled right over his lungs and seems to grow heavier with every step he takes, until Alec has to stop and try to breathe around it.

Every fiber of himself is screaming at him to go back and fix this. To apologize and grovel and ask for Magnus’ forgiveness. The pull is so strong, he has to start moving again to avoid giving in.

 _You’re doing this for him,_ he repeats to himself. _For Magnus._

That’s the thought that keeps him moving. Magnus will get his magic back. He’ll be whole once more and that’s what matters. Given time, he’ll even be happy again.

 _What about you?_ The voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Izzy and Alec doesn’t have an answer now just like he didn’t have one when they talked.

He’s gonna have to learn how to live without Magnus. He’s done it before and he’s got to learn to do it again.

“It’s worth it,” he mutters to himself. He believes that, of course he does. Magnus’ happiness is worth everything he can give but the thought doesn’t make it easier. The words don’t ease the twisting pain he’s feeling, no matter how much he believes in their truth.

What a fool he’s been, thinking that a proposal was going to fix everything. How utterly naive of him to believe that with love on their side, everything was possible. That belief  has kept him going, it’s kept him strong through the ordeals they faced.

It’s taken Magnus’ breakdown to put things in perspective. Now Alec can see clearly enough to understand that sometimes love is not enough.

 _You’re not enough_ , a small, traitor voice whispers in the back of his head.

He silences it and keeps going, knowing he can’t afford to think about it. Not now. Not when he’s feeling so raw and brittle he’s afraid he’s going to crumble to pieces.

Each step he takes feels heavy, sluggish, like he’s threading through molasses. He feels weighed down like he’s made out of stone, like every pound of flesh and bone in his body has been removed and replaced with lead.  

And Alec grits his teeth and keeps going, stopping only when he reaches the Institute, after taking what feels like the last wrong turn of the evening.

He’s aching to beat the hell out of a punching bag or to take his bow and just shoot arrow after arrow until he’s bleeding but the thought that someone could walk on him, it’s deterrent enough. His need for solitude wins over the need to just do something to ease the pain. It’s the same need that pushes him to take the less walked route to his room, the one he used to take with Izzy and Jace when they’d sneak out of the Institute and back in.

The bed is still rumpled from the morning and Alec throws himself on it, without bothering to take off his clothes.

Magnus’ scent is still lingering on the sheets and Alec grabs a fistful of fabric and brings it to his face, breathing it in. He’s going to allow himself tonight to wallow in remembrance. Tomorrow he’ll change the sheets. Tomorrow.

Alec is momentarily lost. He’s got the strong and jarring feeling he’s not in his own bed because how can he be? There’s not a body wrapped tightly around his own. There’s no warmth, no hair tickling his chin or hot breath ghosting over his collarbone. No Magnus.  

He takes a few gulping breaths as pain squeezes his lungs in a steel grip, closing his eyes as regret and sorrow run down his cheeks, over the bridge of his nose, and pool on the pillowcase. They taste like salt and bitterness on his lips.

 _You’re doing it for him_ , he repeats to himself, over and over.

“For Magnus,” he says out loud as if voicing it is going to make it easier.

In the deafening silence of his room, it sounds as hollow as he feels.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I'm going to head to fluffland now. 
> 
> As usual, thank you for reading. <3


End file.
